In Honor of Stan Lee, a Beloved Ancestor: Why this Gay Kid Found a lot of Hope and Meaning in Marvel Heroes

 

I am not the biggest comic book nerd you can find…but I always have loved Marvel’s stories. Rather it was the Spider-Man and X-Men cartoons I use to watch as a kid, keeping up with early and modern movies, and even the video games, or yes even occasional comics I would read, Marvel’s stories have always inspired a lot in me and given me stories I can identify with. As many may of heard Stan Lee has joined the beloved Ancestor’s recently. As I am nearing the end of this academic semester and falling to a lot of stress and aspects of my own mental health are greatly stressed and come out more pronounced then usual…I oddly find myself revisiting the stories of my favorite childhood heroes seeking inspiration find a sense of resilience. I also reflect on what Stan Lee has given me and many like me, that nerdy kid who was always a bit of an outcast who found inspiration in the stories Stan helped create. So I want to write this blog to honor him and the many times (even today) where his stories inspire resilience, hope, meaning, and introspection in my life stories.

My two favorite Marvel narratives are without a doubt first and for most Spider-Man (I in fact have a Spider-Man movie on in the back ground while I write this) and secondly X-Men. Both of these stories always spoke to me from childhood to present. Spider-Man because I always felt like the nerdy kid who was bullied for being different and had a lot of early trauma in my life that I always struggled with as I grew up. I often struggle with the narratives many spider-man villains and heroes do in how their past traumas define them. Peter Parker had one guiding principle left to him by his dear uncle Ben: “With great power comes great responsibility.” Villains in Spider-Man stories are often motivated by past traumas like Electro in the Spider-Man movie I am watching now. Poor Max Dillian, felt alone, bullied, and unloved…all that turned into rage that he used to harm others. Spider-Man, while making plenty of mistakes, always strives to do what he feels is right and help others.

I think nerdy bullied kids often do have “gifts” others don’t appreciate. Because they are just different and like things that others often don’t, the unique skills and talents they bring to the table is often not appreciated and even at times are used to ridicule them. I know that was the case for me. While most of my peers wanted to play sports, I preferred reading books about abstract things, sciences, philosophy, and spirituality (particularly New Age and Pagan/Occult stuff). This often was something peers ridiculed me for. Not to mention the fact I didn’t fit masculine norms and was a closeted and in-denial gay kid. This on top of many traumas in my childhood that I do not wish to dive into deeply here…all contributed to feeling unloved, ostracized, and like who I was and what I had to offer was not important or valued. A story about a bullied teenager (and at times young adult depending on when you are in the series) who got special powers he could use to help or to harm after suffering the loss of both his parents and uncle due to murder…is a powerful story for me. Because he finds a way to take a unique skill and talent he has to do good things, while always struggling with the traumas of his past. The villains he fights sometimes also have traumatic pasts that motivate their actions. Diving into the world of spider-man was often an anchor for me. When I might feel hopeless or powerless, having a narrative that reflected themes I identified with helped me find some hope. It helped me have characters, terms, and themes I could explore that held meaning for the narrative of my life. Seeing the struggles of Peter Parker trying his best to do the right thing, struggling against villains while also dealing with the normal turmoil’s of everyday life was an anchor for me. To see I could at least conceptualize that my story is like the story of a hero…not unlike the story of the hero’s quest of Joseph Campbell[i]. It was just finding the right hero I identified with, and that reflected the values I considered to be important.

X-Men I always like especially given my narrative as a gay boy. Being gay often does feel like being a mutant. There are people who want to change you, villainize you, harm you, because something about you and a minority group of others like you, makes them uncomfortable. The theme of the X-men finding solidarity with each other in what makes them different, and building a brotherhood and sisterhood with each other became something deeply important to me as I matured in my gay identity. Like some mutants in the X-men universe, before they meet other mutants they feel isolated and alone, no one can understand, and everyone is out to get them. Then they finally find other’s like them and find safe space to flourish, develop the healthy relationships they always should have had an opportunity to find, and they fight for each other. Like the gay community and other Queer communities in general this is a common narrative. Also like the Gay world, different sub-communities have different philosophies about how they fight for themselves. While I definitely am not an advocate for violence I would probably have a similar anti-establishment radical new world order view of magneto, as opposed to the patient work with the system approach of professor X. I likewise have come across too radical amongst some of my own kind, while others embrace and feel just as strongly about a sense of gay brotherhood as I do.

I often find myself revisiting these Marvel universes in some shape or manor in times of my life that I fall into deep depression, when my PTSD overwhelms me, when I begin to lose hope about the condition of my life. When I do I often do find a lot of hope, insight, and meaning that reflects my own narrative. The heroes of a marvel universal always hit a hopeless moment, a moment where their human imperfections get the best of them, and moments where they have to navigate difficult power struggles that seem hopeless…but ultimately they always try to do what they feel is the right thing while being human and perfectly imperfect in that process. Even when they hit their darkest moments, somehow they find something that gets them trough it.

Stan Lee helped to create a fictional universe that ultimately gave me a lot of hope and meaning. Just like ancient Bards, story tellers, and writers have always done. We all need our heroes…to model the hero’s journey we are walking. Stan Lee contributed to this in a way that was DEEPLY meaningful to me…so I honor him and his life’s work. He helped create something that has invaluably helped me in my life! Blessed Be Stan Lee, you’ll be one of many ancestors I will honor, venerate, and remember ❤

[i] http://www.sfcenter.ku.edu/Workshop-stuff/Joseph-Campbell-Hero-Journey.htm

Gay Perspectives: Pornography and Sex Positivity

The Internet is DOMINATED by pornographic content. Anyone who would deny that would be a fool. There is a plethora of opinions about pornography: what is and isn’t appropriate about it, what is and isn’t moral about it, and about the people that do it themselves. In the gay pornographic world you have unique politics. Many consumers of gay pornography might be closeted and possibly even homophobic. Trying to find a secret way to “get their rocks off” while being overtly homophobic publicly. The models that perform gay porn aren’t always gay. In fact, a good many of the most popular big-name gay porn stars self-identify as straight and have girlfriends (some girlfriends that know and support what they do, others models are closeted about what they do to their girlfriends). According to psychology today about 30% of all internet traffic is pornography[i]. If I researched more, I bet I could find much higher and “harder” (no pun intended) statistics. This is not something that is simply going to disappear because people are uncomfortable talking about it (even though the majority of those people saying they don’t like it…are probably going home, logging in on porn hub, and rubbing one out after saying how inappropriate pornography is in public). Porn is here to stay, so how do we have productive and mature conversations about that, that are authentic?

I’ll clear the air in the room. I watch gay porn all the time. Some of it I get free off sites like porn hub. Some I pay for because I like erotic videos that have a bit more of a richer fantasy narrative then what is available for free. I am not ashamed of that, and I am one of a large population of people that consumes pornography. I bet you, if really good statistics were hashed out, more then half of society consumes it in some shape or fashion and that many of the people that do would act ashamed of it or attempt to hide the fact they do in casual conversation. So assuming this is correct…why? Why do so many people do something and yet turn red and get offended when it’s brought into a casual conversation? I would argue it has to do with shame that comes from a society that refuses to acknowledge we are sexual beings. People have sex, they like it, they enjoy it, they want to have it and do…and there is also important ethics to consider about sex. Consent must ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS be a central ethic when engaging in it. Because when we all get flustered and red in the face when having to own the fact we are sexual beings…we can never have a serious and important conversation about what is ethical and moral when engaging in sexual activity. The conservative reaction is to just say don’t have it unless you’re monogamously married and that solves all our problems. My reaction is: have sex, enjoy it, celebrate it in any form or fashion you want to, with another consenting adult. If you want to get paid to have sex do it! If you want to have many and multiple sex partners DO IT (I do)! If you want to have a big orgy with people filming you…do it! Just monitor your own feelings about it and only do what you, yourself feel comfortable with. Do sexual things because you want to, not because others expect you to. Also be kind to your sexual partners, always have a conversation about what they consent to and feel comfortable with. Keep that conversation open to change, because maybe they felt good about something 10 minutes ago…but that could change and they may want to stop, that’s there indisputable right. Enjoy sex, have it as much or as little as you want with other adult consenting individuals. Indulge your kinks with others who want to share them with you. Even if they are super taboo (which in and of itself is a kink) just do it with respect and honor for your partner(s) so everyone enjoys and feels good about their experience. I am not afraid of talking about it, acknowledging it as apart of the human condition, and enjoying and celebrating it myself in a society that wouldn’t want me to be so open about it.

So what does that do with porn? Well as some of my bloggers may of heard Tumblr has decided to block all adult content in response to concern about child pornography[ii]. I applaud the banning of child pornography, 100% I agree completely that something like that should be banned and not condoned. But banning all adult content? To be honest the only reason I am on there is because of the adult content that explores a few fantasies and specific sexual interest that other more mainstream things don’t. It seems many conservative responses to sexual entertainment and content is to just get rid of all of it rather then having a conversation about what is an ethical way to share and consume it. This, I think and feel, is only making the problem worse. The more we push the sex industry out of a legal and public adult market…the more it will be forced to exist without accountability to a moral and ethical conversation. Want to end human trafficking? I guarantee you that A LOT of it will cease if we make sex work legal and regulated. It may never go away entirely…but the black market of the sex industry will struggle significantly with a legal, regulated, and public market and become less powerful. Or we could choose to be red faced and sex-phobic and say we don’t want to talk about that issue and keep it illegal because of bigoted discomfort.

The only thing that should ever matter (in my view) about sex is that it’s respectful, consensual, and between adults. Minors definitely explore themselves sexually and that should be considered (meaning we should acknowledge its natural for them to experiment and try to figure themselves out too…but adults should not take advantage of that in anyway), but adults should be held accountable to who they are sharing themselves with in a sexual manor and that, that interaction is consensual and respectful. Beyond this…it’s just a bigot getting embarrassed about their own discomfort with their sexuality. I have friends that do porn, they like it, they don’t feel taken advantage of or exploited and they want to continue doing it. I also know there are that are coerced into selling sex either as a hustler/escort or as a porn actor…that should NEVER, NEVER, NEVER be okay. I support fully a 100% non-tolerance ban on such things. How about when someone wants, by there own consent, to be a sex worker, to make pornography, to be a hustler or escort? Are we in the right to say no means no…but saying yes is wrong, bad, or socially unacceptable?

I seriously don’t see why discomfort with pornography in and of itself is warranted. Hold it to a standard of ethics and humanitarian concern? DEFINITELY!!!! But to completely avoid it, erase it, or attempt to get rid of it…I don’t support that. Pornography can be perfectly healthy to consume and explore…and we certainly wouldn’t have it with the people doing it, they too should be respected and not stigmatized. What should be ridiculed, Unconsensual sex, rape, child pornography, and all of that…but just being adults who love doing what adults sexually do? No, shaming that only makes the moral and ethical state of the culture of sex worse…being more open about it though…that might actually help address the problem.

I know pornography has helped me explore different aspects of my sexuality. It’s also been a nice way to relax and relieve sexual tension now and then…and I definitely don’t think that’s wrong or bad. I do want to know and feel like any kind of pornography I consume is ethical and that the guys involved aren’t being exploited and that they do what they do out of their own personal desire to do it. This is something that might be a worth while legal conversation. How do we ensure that the sex industry treats its sex workers with respect, honors their non-negotiable right to consent, and treats them like human beings of dignity and integrity. I know I feel that way about my sexual partners, yes even casual ones. I want them to feel like I am making them comfortable, that I am respecting them as a human being, and that I am talking about consent with them. Why would I want that to be different with porn actors that I rub one off with while watching?

Now getting into a gay porn world specifically, that’s a different convo. Yes there is an injustice of gay porn actors getting paid less then straight identified gay porn actors. Yet I wonder how much of that is the responsibility of the actor, the producers, or the consumer? I have met MANY gay men that fetishize “straight acting” men. Whatever the hell that means. How many times have we fetishized “gay acting?” almost never, atleast never that I have encountered. If we want our own to succeed in the sex industry, we need to value what they offer as consumers. If we don’t value that…well we need to take a long look at our selves as consumers. As far as I am concerned, if straight men want to have male on male sex for money, its consensual, and that is clearly and expressively what they want to do…then there is no ethical issue. Look at the documentary “gay for pay[iii]” and try to keep an open mind about why straight men want to have sex with men for money. On one end I think consumers are responsible for this, so many gay men I have met worship this fantasy that they can seduce a straight guy. I know when I was early to coming out I felt that way too. It was rooted in, for me, wanting to feel like the only guys in my immediate environment could be available, even though they were not. I had that straight guy crush more then once, atleast in high school. Wishing that hot guy who was friendly to me, didn’t care about my sexuality, and was beautiful to look at, that he would just magickly become gay so I could find the intimacy I was craving. But the world just doesn’t work that way. We must (in my opinion) learn to love our own. A guy may not want to have sex with you or have an intimate relationship with you simply cause your both gay…but atleast you’ll start developing connections with compatible sexuality and learn how to handle rejection better…or atleast…this was my experience.

Gay pornography is an expression of homosexuality that I actually do enjoy! I also want it to become an ethical, celebrated, and wonderful part of gay culture. I also want us to be wary of those that might hate sex work in all its forms. This way of thinking is bigoted and backwards in my opinion. I am all for making sure sex work is safe for it’s workers and consumers, making sure it’s ethical, making sure that people in the industry are respected…I am not for forcing it into the black market where “anything goes.”

References

[i] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201611/dueling-statistics-how-much-the-internet-is-porn

[ii] https://www.latimes.com/business/technology/la-fi-tn-tumblr-adult-content-ban-20181203-story.html?fbclid=IwAR39d24AHv6eXqsyTJ0U1FRdQyo9ArclDyqm4DvRqsCAUqwsP5Dy69u53RE

[iii] https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2784210/

Blerbs on Growing as a Radical Gay Counselor

As a counseling grad student intern, I’m having to develop more and more cultural sensitivity. Not only in working with clients from different cultural backgrounds, but also in working with clients that share cultural identities. One thing you are often taught as a counseling student which has always felt difficult for me is speaking from one’s own experience rather then making statements that are generalities. With the academic background I had before grad school, I was taught not to use I statements. It was seen as too subjective for academic discourse when trying to make strong empirical arguments about human behavior, cultural issues, and applying sciences to that study. While academic debate and scientific discourse is important for advocacy and the pursuit of empirical truths…I found very fast as a neophyte counseling intern that handling human emotions does require more subjective statements and conversations.

One thing in particular I think about here is cultural identity models, or anything developmental really. Developmental psychology has never been my favorite subject. It socially constructs norms on how people “ought” to develop rather honoring nuance and individuals’ unique experiences. Erickson is widely cited as one of the most popular developmental theorist…but just because someone couldn’t resolve trust issues in their early childhood doesn’t mean they don’t experience secure attachments and trust in adulthood. Or even that issues they have with trust can be reduced down to Erickson’s explanation of developmental tasks. Similarly cultural developmental models that attempt to create a common trajectory for gay identity development don’t always fit perfectly.

I will speak only from my experience here. I live and breath gay community experiences. My gay identity often does feel like an all encompassing thing, not because I don’t have other aspects of who I am (ie a professional, a star trek fan, a pagan/agnostic, etc.) but because my passions are primarily engaged in gay socialization. Not only has gay identity been something with a narrative of trauma in my past in experiencing bullying and discrimination, it’s also been a source of sexual ecstasy, many deep meaningful friendships and lovers, and a unique narrative that hold many joys and things to celebrate. My identity as a gay male isn’t just about my sexuality, it’s also a fraternal brotherhood experience filled with many things that have touched all aspects of my life from career, to relationships, to personal interests, and so on.

Many cultural identity models socially construct a narrative trajectory of going though an experience of identity pride like I am describing, but ultimately settling into a realization that gay identity is small and no bigger or smaller then any other aspect of who someone is, then gay community becomes less important as the individual assimilates into heteronormative society. I honestly don’t think that will be me, and even if it does, I don’t like the implication that it “ought” to be that way for me to be a fully integrated mentally healthy person. My identity as a gay man is not simply a tiny aspect of who I am, to me. I don’t see it as simply a sexual experience and nothing else. I see it as the community experience I enjoy the most, the relationships that are the most meaningful and joyous, and like I have said a fraternal brotherhood that is unique and not found in other relationships in my life. Not that I don’t have other meaningful relationships that I value, but they just simply aren’t the same.

Understanding that about myself though and understanding that others differ is important when I work with other gay clients. Some of which have no desire to develop a sense of gay community nor have nearly as sex positive a life style as I have (which does require and emphasizes the need for a strong gay network). “I” statements become important when narratives are similar but different like this. I could try to push my agenda of gay positivity, or I could honor that other narratives are different to mine even though we may both be gay. One thing working with other gay clients has taught me is even though I can intellectualize a strong case for my ideal world (a strong insular brotherhood of gay men) by citing studies on internalized homophobia, cultural identity development, and how mental health is linked to these things and can change positively with certain interventions involving gay positivity…That’s my story, not there’s. Furthermore, my own resistance to being seen as needing to develop past identity pride is not different to expecting someone in the closet to come out or expecting them to eventually do so even if they are resistant to it right now. My client’s ideal world may never include a vision similar to mine that is pretty much a body positive/sex positive/homosocial brotherhood in some 24/7 utopian version of fire island. My client may always be closeted, going through abusive relationship after abusive relationship because he’s so ashamed of his own homosexuality. It may only be my job to atleast help them develop slightly better boundaries and self-esteem within the limits they are capable. My client could be a smart and successful business man and a republican who hates the gay community and complains constantly about how uncomfortable other gay men make him while also coming to me because he wants a loving relationship with another man and doesn’t know why he can’t keep a solid relationship down.  It may be my job to just meet him where he’s at with out expecting his narrative to fit in what I would consider my ideal world.

Developmental narratives are subjective, just because I maybe 27 and talking to a 16 year old just now accepting his sexuality as a gay man…doesn’t mean he will come to the same conclusions about life and what is important by the time he is 27 like me. I can hold an open space for him though to explore who he is. To experiment with how he wants to define himself and how that defines how he interacts with others. He may go his whole life always in a questioning state and not wanting to own any identity feeling they are limiting labels. Or he may very well have a similar story to mine and become a radical homosexual man proud of his identity and fraternal community. But it would be a violence for me to impose that story on his, to give him “shoulds” and “oughts” in a heteronormative world that has damaged him with that already. Me even seeing that as “damaging” is again…my narrative, it may not be his.

I often saw being corrected with “I” statements and being forced to acknowledge the subjectivity of my story as a threat to me trying to create my ideal world. Almost like it was an attempt to belittle it’s importance and what I wanted to create in my life and with others who feel the same way. Professors responding to my radical homosocial utopian ideology as though “it was just a phase” and I’ll eventually pass this “pride” stage of my development. This bothered me and while I still disagree with this implication, I am starting to understand the importance of “I” statements and keeping the narrative presented as subjective rather then universal. I now realize, just like how the implication of me moving past a pride stage is an “ought” me imposing my own narrative on other’s is the same. Especially if I am really to be that safe space of unconditional positive regard for others.

So my own developmental narrative includes a changing and maturing in this regard. Not really to personally become more integrated or apologetic towards heteronormativity, but rather in understanding we don’t all share the same ideal world, nor do we have to. I can continue to pursue my dream of radical gay male community building and celebrating. Yet I also can hold a space for others who have a different story to tell with different values. It’s not been the academic/scientific aspects of grad school that have been challenging me as a counselor in training…it’s been the emotional and subjective work required to do it and grow as a person. My personality and passions are large and in charge. It’s been my personality to be more like a “rebel” rather then an “advocate.” To be the person that makes statements, refuses to comply with systems and authority, and creates change through making people uncomfortable. This can seem rather contrary to the role of being a therapist which often has to take a radically passive role and comply with systems to make subtle and very slow change. I don’t think that will ever fully be who I am. But I am getting better at choosing when and to what extend I fight my battles.

I remember when I was new to my current counseling program my own therapist (another gay man whom I could see myself being one day lol) challenged me to consider…what would I do if I had a client that was a republican responsible for channeling millions of public funds into conversion camps (like Mike Pence) and was secretly having an affair with man? Coming from the world of rebellion and activism I came from I immediately thought “what a scum bag, he deserves what’s coming to him.” Yet as a therapist…imagine if I held him in such increditable unconditional positive regard that he comes out, and slowly becomes a major public figure that advocates to end conversion therapy in atonement for his past actions? I’d never know if I refused to treat him, I may even fuel his behavior more by showing any judgement or distain towards him. It may very well be important for me to continue going to protests and being radical…but when someone is in my therapy office…I need to wear a different hat and play a different role.

Cultural identities are my core favorite thing to explore academically, personally, and even professionally. Yet doing so, especially in counseling and mental health requires a comfort with subjectivity, nuance, and radical acceptance of conflicting narratives. It even requires accepting that ideal worlds are subjective and never follow a universal trajectory. I’ve had to get more comfortable and secure in how I define what’s important to me as a gay man to work with other gay men. I dare say I’ve found it easier to work with someone of a radically different cultural perspective in which I have nothing in common with (like a straight, self-proclaimed redneck, trump supporter, who makes racists slurs constantly) then my own kind. Simple because professionally it’s easier to be detached to someone I don’t like then it is to someone I feel I have a lot in common with. Even within my ideal world of working closely with gay clients and living in a gay homosocial utopia…peoples stories are still going to be different, so will their values, beliefs, and desires.

So now I go back to previous research I did on queer and gender theory, on social sciences, on internalized homophobia and how it impacts mental health and I go…yeah, still holds a lot of truth…for me and the kind of life I want to live…and I am not nearly as attached to imposing it as an ideal reality any more. Perhaps my journey down the rabbit hole of homosocial experiences was a journey to give my personal narrative direction. It’s defined so much about what I want to do in life, what I believe is closely connected to a spiritual Will and purpose I have come into this life to do. It’s not simply a pride phase that will come and go, to me, it’s an ideal world I strive to create around me and live in. AND I am finding more comfort with narratives that conflict or are paradoxical. I think deep down, there is just a need to find connection and love in all of us, just as the person we are. Imposing “shoulds” and “ought toos” is where many of us get caught, especially if it threatens a sense of “I am” or “I want/need.” Perhaps, at least as a counselor, getting secure in the knowledge that conflicting “I needs” do not have to be “shoulds” and “oughts” is the next level of my own cultural development. I can dive into the frontier of my ideal world and create it, without imposes “shoulds” on others…in the same way I would like others to give me the same freedom.