27, Gay, Single, and Content With That

 

 

As I was scrolling through my facebook news feed this morning I came across an article titled Gay men over 45 far more likely to be single – and these are the reasons why[i] by Gay Star News. It’s not the first time I’ve read and heard dialog on different opinions as to why gay men struggle with relationships. Most times I tend to see these discussions devolve into clashing perspectives that attack each other due to personal insecurities gay men have. On one hand I see guys that are disappointed at their lack of success with monogamy and blame the gay community for not being what they want it to be. Then there are ageist undertones of younger and older generations casting judgement on each other. Then there are people who slut shame those of us that live more sex positive lives in the gay community. Usually these individuals in my experience are insecure about the fact they’ve engaged in lots of casual sexual behavior and regret it either because it wasn’t done in a healthy way or it simply wasn’t right for them. All this dialog, I have observed, carries undertones of cultural battles between gay men and what they wish our shared standards of dating would be. Yet you can’t force others to love you, you can’t force others to want the same things you do, and everyone is unique and different in what they want and need out of love and sex. I am 27, a gay male, I am single, I have multiple friends with benefits and I am content with that, here is a reflection on what that all means to me.

Some say that gay men develop sexually and romantically at later ages then their heterosexual counter parts. The reason often being because while heterosexuals go through their teenage drama romances in high school, we struggle with our sexual identity as being different to our heteronormative environment. Then, after high school is over and we exit our minor years, we explore what makes us different in spaces (both cyber and physical) designed for others like ourselves (grindr, bars, prides, etc.). We have expectations of what love or sex should be based on observing the heterosexuals we grew up with, yet begin to realize that we are different and not the same. Our experiences growing up in society are not the same. Our opportunities to meet others of compatible sexual orientation is not the same. Our sub-cultural environment, history, and customs are not the same. So, there is a learning curve not only in the basics of courtship, attraction, and the nuances of dating…but also in integrating into a new cultural reality to get access to opportunities to meet boys.

The “learning” curve is important, you will either crash and burn, or you’ll adapt and integrate into the gay community. More then likely you’ll do a little of both. For some of us, we can fairly swiftly make new and quality friends, explore aspects of gay culture and achieve a sense of gay pride. While others chronically struggle to find anything positive about the gay community. This learning curve moment, in my experience both personally and in observing others, is often accompanied with the task of deconstructing one’s own internalized homophobia. We all have it. You can’t grow up in a heteronormative world as a gay man and not be impacted by societal oppression that marginalizes you. The more someone can successfully do this, the greater their self-esteem, mental health, and the more positive their relationships with other gay men become as a result. After all, if you have low self-esteem and negative feelings about homosexuality, you’re not going to have good boundaries and interactions with other homosexuals.

Needless to say between dealing with the task of something as prevalent as “internalized homophobia” and simply learning the basics of how to approach and develop relationships with people you’re attracted to…it can be stressful. I remember within the first few years I came out of the closet, the only thing I was interested in from other gay men was the opportunity to find “mr. right.” I hardly thought of the gay community as a fraternal brotherhood like I do now. Every gay male I met (which wasn’t that many) I had a sexual anxiety of wanting to establish a romantic connection. I didn’t know how be around other gay men without the thought in the back of my head that wanted to know “is he a potential boyfriend or not?” Seeing other gay men as strictly a process of partner selection leads to a very poor sense of community, it also places A LOT of limitations on letting a relationship mutually and organically grow. I found myself more comfortable with friends that didn’t challenge me to face my sexuality (being Lesbians and bisexual women, transgender friends, and straight people). Gay men intimidated me, because they forced me to face my own discomfort with myself, my sexuality, and my insecurities that were imbedded in them. The few gay men that did come in and out of my life were strictly monogamous boyfriends and love interests that I felt had potential to fit that mold.

This period was an important learning curve in figuring out what does and doesn’t work for me in dating and relationships. It was important in learning how to break up with someone or be broken up with. Learning that love simply isn’t like it is in the movies. The more you hold on to that, the more you limit the possibilities of relationships and bury yourself in suffering when people don’t meet your expectations. Then something shifted after a devastating heart break that made me truly face my sexuality. I met a guy that I fell deeply in love with, expecting that we were moving in a mutual direction. After all he spent regular time with me, he was nice and flirty, we messed around sexually (at the time I didn’t do that with someone unless I thought of them a boyfriend or at least moving in the direction of being one). In my mind connections like that, could only mean mutual romantic evolution. So I fell hard for him like I hadn’t with any guy previously. Without realizing what I was doing I invested deep emotional expectations in him, without really knowing for sure if he was in the same head space. While he enjoyed my company and was perhaps entertaining the possibility our connection could grow, he really didn’t have the same mutual investment in our connection. So he began to pull away and eventually said “we need to see other people.” I was devastated. I wasn’t experienced enough in love or dating to take rejection well. Love and sex in my mind were merged and filled with monogamous expectations. After that, I started branching out more in the gay community. I stopped expecting every gay male I met to be a potential love interest.

I also had a spiritual teacher at the time who was a gay man who counseled and guided me on insecurities I had with my sexuality. He even gave me a homework assignment when I went to a spiritual gay men’s retreat “to kiss atleast one guy before you leave.” It was innocent and totally non-sexual, but it opened up a whole new world of learning to flirt and be affectionate with other gay men without expecting anything from them. To simply enjoy the process of attraction with out needing results from it. To give my self the permission to enjoy the ecstasy of homosexual attraction and affection, without limiting how it had to be expressed. Homosexual ecstasy is the birthright of every homosexual, if we deny ourselves that experience, we deny who we are. Something as simple as a kiss and sensual closeness to another gay man, set in motion a shift towards greater freedom in me. I began to enjoy the gay community more, I began to develop more friendships with other gay men (both platonically and sexually). Those friendships became meaningful, close, and special. We had each other’s back in ways I had never experienced with other friends. Sure, there was petty drama here and there too at times, but that’s just apart of maturing in adult relationships with others. You learn where the boundaries are and how to navigate them, social drama is just apart of that learning curve and hopefully you grow from it. For the most part, all things considered, my experience with the gay community has been the most positive I’ve had with any community ever sense I stopped standing in my own way.

From that point on I had a sexual awakening. I began to have a few friends with benefits that came in and out of my life. For the most part, a good number of them still keep in contact with me even years later. I began to see the limitless possibilities of love, affection, intimacy, and sexuality. You can hold a space of love for someone, without being “in love with them.” You can share sexual intimacy and affection with someone and not want to spend the rest of your life together. Relationships can also change. Things that start as casual friends with benefits can become serious relationships. This happened with my last boyfriend. To that point, serious relationships can also dissolve no matter how much you love someone, and that’s okay. Eastern philosophies about not being attached to results held great meaning for me in this learning curve. There is no “wasted time” because you really aren’t guaranteed permanence in anything. Not in relationships, not in your career, not in life itself (after all we all die eventually). I found peace in not expecting permanence in anything, and I found joy in enjoying what I was given in the present moment to experience. Show up, enjoy what’s right in front of you, you’re not guaranteed that experience tomorrow, so experience it now. Sure, sometimes a connection grows and becomes so deep that you make mutual commitments and attempt to step into a more intimate partnership…but even that isn’t guaranteed a life time. If it happens that way, GREAT. If not, its not the end of the world, life will go on.

I find myself still in this place. I am not looking for a boyfriend. I stopped “expecting” that from guys a long time ago. I have friends with benefits that I have casual sex with, but they are guys I respect and that I feel respected by. Would I still want to have a serious relationship again someday? Sure I would, having that level of intimacy with someone is great. But I am not actively looking for that or placing that expectation to find that right now on myself. I see other peers getting tied down to serious monogamous commitments without living up to their potential in other things. I am still trying to concretely establish my career. I am in grad school, I have aspirations to live in New York City after I finish and begin my career as a therapist there. Now is not a time to be rooted in commitments like making house payments and getting married. Even my career and my dream to live in NYC is not a guarantee, though I am setting myself up to make the opportunity available. Just like I can keep the opportunity to someday settle down, available, but I cannot force it to happen.

 

The institutional expectation of monogamy hurts many. We are so indoctrinated to expect love and sexuality in such limited terms, that people limit their own possibilities for happiness and intimacy with others. I prefer to keep things organic and “present moment” centered. Go out and meet guys and allow the natural feelings to grow without forced expectations. If a sexual connection mutually grows great! If not, then great also. If we happen to fall in love and its mutual that’s great too! But I am not limiting the value I place on my connection to someone solely on the contingency that they meet expectations. Nor would I want a connection to someone who only values me for the validation of their expectations. Its like that saying that “you seem to be more in love with the idea of a relationship, then the actual person you have the relationship with.” I don’t want to base all my life relationships on how they fit into some ideal. I want them to be grounded in the here and now and their organic mutuality. If here and now means we’re attracted to each other, generally like each other, and want to get laid…then I show up to that experience. If now means I need my space and want down time…then I show up to that. If now is we are both deeply in love with each other and want to negotiate what that mutually means, then I show up to that. If now means any of these things change…I’ll show up to that too. I’ll also show up with dignity, honor, and respect when something is not mutual in either direction. This does not mean I will not have boundaries, but it will mean I will communicate openly and try to reach an understanding that is mutually for the best. Maybe if I want more then you can give, we may need to change the nature of our connection, if vise versa…maybe we’ll only be friends without benefits, etc.

I feel happy and satisfied with where I am at in life with my sexuality and my relationships with other gay men. I feel a sense of fraternal brotherhood with my gay platonic friends. I enjoy the company of friends who also are my lovers. I do not feel guilt or shame, quite the contrary I feel a sense of pride in my homosexuality. I feel respected by my sexual partners and I sincerely make every attempt to respect them. Could my focus change as I age? I see myself wanting to have a serious partner one day. But I don’t see that following a heteronormative-monogamous model. I would want a lover that, like me, has dove deep into his own sexuality and is secure in ethical sexual openness and freedom. Would I want to marry him? Definitely, but our marriage wouldn’t follow society’s expectations of us, our marriage would be between us and what we mutually decide is best and most fulfilling for uniquely us. Also, I would want that connection to be based on authenticity, mutuality, and openness, not on expectations. If we change and we have to change in different directions in life…I would hope that our love would be authentic enough for each other that we would let each other go to find happiness in life rather then hold on so tight that we are miserable. It’s like that old saying “if you love something let it go, if it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t it was never yours to begin with.” One thing is for sure, I would MUCH rather die alone then be in a relationship where we are not happy. Love is an open-handed policy for me, not a tightly clinched fist that selfishly holds on to something that wishes to be free.

So all that said, going back to the beginning…why are gay men disproportionately single? Many people will have many perspectives. For me its not because I am using casual sex to run from my feelings. It’s not because I dislike other gay men (quite the contrary they are about the only community where I feel I can be truly happy and myself). Its not due to mental illness or a narcissistic obsession with body image. My gay friends and lovers have come in all shapes and sizes. It’s not due to unrealistic standards either. It’s not because I don’t know what love is. And no, it’s not because I am afraid of committing to what I want either. It’s because I feel free to be myself and get what I want out of life. It’s because I have explored my sexuality and spirituality deeply enough that I’ve dissolved the self-imposed limitations I had that were inauthentic to who I am and what I feel and want. It’s because I value being true to myself and not blindly following the expectation of others and society. It’s because I do not see love as limited to a tiny box that only fits one narrow definition. It’s because I would much rather be single and have peace and freedom in my life, then to be in a relationship I am miserable and unhappy in. It’s because I value authenticity in myself and others, over social expectations.

[i]   https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/gay-men-over-45-single-reasons/#gs.Rebfrfo